Where is the hickey?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
