We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
