my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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