i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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