smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
