Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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