I think I won the penis lottery.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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