shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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