i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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