the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
