bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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