the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this boner is exhausting
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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