I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This house was built for laser tag.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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