i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.