i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?