So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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