i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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