Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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