we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
