Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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