Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
