I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
