I wish I could punch you in the face.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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