I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
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