This house was built for laser tag.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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