I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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