i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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