If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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