It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
