batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
