i was born a porn star she said
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
