the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
