she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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