there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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