i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
