I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
