I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
