Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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