HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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