Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
birth control should be required to get into college
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
