I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
