Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
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For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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