You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
