have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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