return my video game
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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