he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...