I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
