guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
