Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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