I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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