Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
