burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My bed smells like the plague
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
