So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
