i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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