So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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