I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
