My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
