if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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