dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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