cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
