my phone needs a breathalizer
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
