In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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